With some trepidation and for the third time in my career I entered counselling before Christmas. My counsellor is an advocate
of ‘inner child work’ and recommended this John Bradshaw book. I’ve read
Bradshaw before because fifteen years ago, when I was training to be a counsellor, ‘healing the
wounded child’ was very much in vogue. When I read Bradshaw the first time
around I was not impressed. It seemed superficial, quasi-religious and a
cobbling together of numerous therapeutic models and techniques. Those
objections largely remain. I’m not in sympathy with Bradshaw’s twelve-step
approach, his patronising of gay people, his theocentric world-view or his conservative beliefs about sex . The biggest sticking point, however, is Bradshaw’s view of shame.
Bradshaw says that shame is toxic
or demonic. In other words, the thoughts, feelings and behviours of individuals
repeatedly shamed in early life become shame-based. Shame becomes part of the individual’s
identity. Shame is the belief that, ‘I am a flawed human being’. Whilst I agree
with Bradshaw's idea of toxic shame and I like the idea of shame as demonic, I
struggle with Bradshaw’s corresponding idea of ‘healthy shame’. He argues that
the shame we feel when contemplating a wicked act stops us doing wicked things. I can accept that anticipatory guilt serves as a useful emotion helping to keep us out of gaol, but a shame-based reaction seems over the top, harmful and destructive.
Is it healthy to feel shame in Tesco at the thought of eating a grape from the
bunch you haven’t yet paid for?
Despite these reservations I gave
Bradshaw my best attention. I found his exploration of toxic shame in part one of
the book illuminating and I could relate to what he was saying. But as he described
shame in all its forms and identified the ways shame is passed down the
generations and internalised, I began to feel pretty miserable.
In chapter one Bradshaw argues
that to combat toxic shame - the belief that I am a flawed human being
- an individual creates a false self to
escape his or her shame laden identity. In chapter two Bradshaw expands on his view of shame,
describing how it manifests at different stages in an individual's development.
It’s in this chapter that his views on gay people - he identifies 'normal' children and gay and lesbian children - feel patronising.
I like his idea about the toxically shamed becoming either 'more than human' (ie perfect and superior) or
'less than human' (ie flawed and defective). I remember an offender I once worked
with who protected himself from the truth of his awful crime and the judgement of others by
assuming an attitude of self-abasement. Bradshaw describes this as 'grandiosity'
and says, "It can appear as narcissistic self-enlargement or worm-like
helplessness" (41).
Bradshaw expands on his idea
of the false self. He says, "To be severed and alienated within oneself
also creates a sense of unreality. One may have an all-pervasive sense of never
quite belonging, of being on the outside looking in. The condition of inner
alienation and isolation is also pervaded by a low-grade chronic depression.
This has to do with the sadness of losing one's authentic self. Perhaps the
deepest and most devastating aspect of neurotic shame is the rejection of the
self by the self" (34).
The cobbling together of multiple
theories is much in evidence here. Bradshaw borrows from NLP, CBT, the
psycho-dynamic approach and from humanistic psychology. He refers to Seligman's
'learned helplessness' as well as Harry
Stack Sullivan, Alice Miller and Scott Peck. Does this amount to theoretical
incoherence? It’s what might be called a kitchen sink approach to the problem
of shame. My reaction was to visit Amazon at regular intervals to buy
the books Bradshaw was referencing. I concluded that these ideas
might be better appreciated in the original context.
Bradshaw links toxic shame to the discourse on 'being' v 'doing'. He says
the false self necessitates a life based on externals - doing and achieving -
whilst 'being' depends on the inner life. Bradshaw quotes (or misquotes) scripture: 'The kingdom of heaven is within'
[Luke 17:21].
Chapter three is a long chapter in
which Bradshaw writes about the family system as a source of shame. He describes how shame is passed down the generations and illustrates this with a composite 'client' called Max (an 'Everyman' of toxic shame).
There is an interesting section
on 'families as social systems' which I think I have read before and stored
away. It formed the basis of what I was saying to a recent client
about his situation. In particular the principle of dynamic homeostasis:
"whenever a part of the system is out of balance, the rest of the members
of the system will try and bring it into balance" (52). Bradshaw goes on
to write about 'shame-based family rules' and lists them (62-63). He also
writes about shame as a state of being and describes the three steps that lead
to internalised or toxic shame:
- Identification with
shame-based models [parents, family structures, roles, rules] and the carrying
of unexpressed shame
- The trauma of abandonment -
shame binding all one's feelings, needs and drives
- The interconnection and
magnification of visual memories or scenes and the retaining of shaming
auditory and kinaesthetic imprints (64).
Bradshaw writes (68) about
children being sensitive to the needs of parents: 'By taking on the role of
supplying his shame-based parent's narcissistic gratification, the child
secures love and and a sense of being needed and not abandoned'. Paradoxically the
child is actually abandoned since his or her needs are no longer being met. I was
reminded at this point of Ferenzci's writing on the 'Wise Baby' syndrome. Bradshaw certainly provides a good description of abandonment trauma and its many manifestations.
Bradshaw says something
interesting about emotions (1) they monitor our basic needs, and (2) they give
us energy to act (Bradshaw uses the term e-motion, 'energy in motion'). He says our true sense of self depends on feeling authentic feelings; but
when our feelings are shame-bound (marked by internalise shame) instead
of real feelings we experience scripted feelings – we have to ask ourselves ‘How should
I feel?’ I can identify
with this.When I started counsellor training in 1997 I was was cut off from my
feelings and how others felt was purely guess work!
In chapter four Bradshaw
identifies the various ways we cope with toxic shame, the various covers we have, which he refers to, in the Freudian tradition, as primary and
secondary ego defences. He goes on to list them, but I shall refer you to page 104 of the book.
In part two - 'Recovery and Uncovery Process' – things take a more positive turn and my mood began
life. To begin with Bradshaw invites
readers to join a twelve-stop programme or see a therapist as a means of 'coming
out'. I have difficulty accepting the principles underpinning the twelve-step
programme as advocated by Bradshaw. As an agnostic I have difficulty with the
'higher power' stuff found in the twelve steps and 'God however I understand it'
doesn't quite work for me.
I know this is controversial and the Twelve Steps has helped millions, but suppose I choose the natural world as
my higher power. In step seven of a twelve step programme I'm
expected to ask my higher power for help to correct my shortcomings. So
whatever none-Godlike alternative I choose I am expected to imbue that choice
with Godlike qualities. That doesn't fit for me. More generally I do not share Bradshaw’s
theo-centric view of things or attribute moral agency to the universe as he does. It's
part of an existential view of things: we exist in a universe that is morally
neutral and without inherent purpose; our task is to find purpose and meaning.
Things really pick up in chapter seven.
Bradshaw writes about corrective work. He tells us about grief work and there's a
nice guided trance on meeting our inner child. He writes about corrective
experiences (eg a network of male friends to correct the lack of a positive
male influence as a child). He also uses the NLP collapsing anchors technique to
help add resources and transform memories of toxic shame. I have begun listing toxic
shame-based memories and my friend Jean Clements has agreed to use her EMDR skills on
each of them.
Chapter eight is about integrating
disowned parts. It covers ‘Voice Dialogue Work’, ‘Owning Projections’ and
Virginia Satir’s famous ‘Parts Party’ from her book, Your Many Faces, which has been ordered from Amazon this very night.
Chapter nine is entitled 'Confronting and Changing Your Toxic Inner Voices' and
begins with an interesting account of the 'fantasy bond'.
When refering to the ‘fantasy
bond’ Bradshaw is using the work of Robert Firestone. Basically the notion that
one's parents are uncaring is unacceptable to a child. In order to survive the child idealises the parent and turns himself into the 'bad guy' (201). Bradshaw uses a metaphor to clarify what he means. He says the fantasy bond is like a mirage in the desert: 'It gives the
child the illusion there is nourishment and support in his life' (201). Years
later when the child leaves his parents the fantasy bond is set up internally -
the voice of the scolding parent is given the task of shaming and re-shaming the
child. As Firestone says, 'The child incorporates "the attitudes the
parents held when they felt the most rejecting and angry. The daughter or son
incorporates feelings of loathing and degradation that lie behind their statements"'
(201).This is powerful stuff!
On page 203 Bradshaw brings in
CBT and Beck's idea of 'selective abstraction' - maintaining
ones focus on a particular group of automatic thoughts to the exclusion of all
other thoughts. There follows a series of exercises on identifying and challenging the inner
critic, including the thought stoppers technique (208) and positive
affirmations (219). He goes to provide a useful list of cognitive distortions based on
the work of Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck. I like the observation that Bradshaw
makes here: 'You imagine that people feel as bad about you as you do about
yourself' (213). I also like an excellent analogy he uses between shame-based
egocentric thinking and terrible tooth ache: when you have tooth ache you
become 'tooth-centric'.
Chapter ten is entitled:
'Choosing to Love and Forgive Yourself for Your Mistakes' (223) and includes
advice on giving yourself 'time and attention', becoming assertive, reframing
mistakes and mindfulness (the habit of awareness). These are short chapters with Bradshaw’s Christian thinking looming large once more. In chapter eleven
Bradshaw writes about toxic shame in relationships, suggesting that: 'Intimacy
is the number one problem resulting from internalised shame' (235) and, ‘There
is no greater potential for painful shame than rejection' (247)
In part three - Spiritual
Awakening - the Discovery Process – Bradshaw argues that true release from
shame-based thinking can only come when there is a spiritual awakening in the
person. Bradshaw goes on to explain why shame hangs around
sex. He talks about shameless sex and de-personalised sex, which he thinks
is 'using people for enjoyment' (though if this is consensual and mutual, why
is that a problem?). He argues for sexual relations characterised by the I-thou relationship of
Martin Buber. This seems a fairly conservative, family-values approach
to sex. Is it not possible to have a mixture of life-sustaining, long-term I-thou
relationships and shame-free no-strings attached mutually enjoyable sex?
So the book ends with the return
of Bradshaw's religious tone and I ended the book with the feeling, 'this isn't for me'. But that's a generalisation. Actually, whilst parts of the book were irksome, other parts were incredibly
helpful to me in my personal development work and I intend to read the book again and
spend even more time on the exercises Bradshaw has included. I would certainly recommend it to
others (and have done) but I'm also looking forward to reading the many books Bradshas refers to as he rolls along, and which now form a tidy pile on my coffee table, because they may give me the detail and the coherence I'm after.
Bradshaw, J. (2005) Healing the Shame That Binds You, Deerfield Beach, Florida, BCI Books.
